Updated: May 22, 2019
I have strong feelings of anger or hatred
Life is great! You have your first boyfriend or girlfriend. You’re doing well at school. You’ve got some great friends. In fact, everything is right where it needs to be. Then one day you wake up, just like every other day, but it’s not every other day because today your world gets turned upside down.
It started when someone came along and shoved you on your back side or they beat you up in front of your friends. Maybe it was when someone mocked you or messed with you when you least expected it. Perhaps you failed a test, or heard that there was a big party and all your friends were invited… except you. Or it could be that someone has betrayed you.
You didn’t ask for it to happen, it just did and now you’re so angry or filled with hate and rage that you can’t see straight. It could be that you’ve felt that way for a long time and every day you keep feeling more angry, more filled with hate. It snowballs, getting bigger and you can’t see an end to it.
Maybe you were in a situation where you couldn’t fight back or act. Or you’re in a situation where you’re perpetually stuck and feeling like you’re forced to put up with it. You could be worried that if you act out against the problem the consequences for you will be much worse.
Anger is like a pressure cooker. Too much heat under pressure and you explode!
It’s even worse when the people who started all of this come out looking like they’re the injured party and everyone is looking at you being the bad guy. You even get punished for the whole mess. They’re laughing at you and all you want to do is wipe the smirk off their sneering faces, but if you do that…well, you already know what will happen. They will have won, for sure and you end up looking like a loser.
The result: confusion and pent up frustration. If this keeps up, then over time, it will lead to hatred. So what are you supposed to do? What if using your words against the offending party isn’t enough? What if it only eggs them on?
It will help you to understand that initially anger is not a bad or evil emotion. It is an intense, inbuilt program that lets you know you’re not okay with what is going on, and that you feel wronged. But anger can be used in one of two ways:
This is where you actively retaliate against the party that hurt you, or in other words, you fight back. If this is what you’ve done or are planning to do, then I strongly urge you to keep reading! Most people who act out in anger end up far worse off. Sure you might beat up the bully, or hurt the people who upset you, said some things that made them feel really small, but once you’ve done that, the problem is not only still there, it’s now even worse, because now you’ve shown yourself to be a person who cannot be trusted to control themselves. See how you, the innocent party, can suddenly seem like the bad guy?
You use your anger to help you solve a problem in a healthy and ethical way, or in other words, you use the passion you feel from being angry and you turn it around to make it work for you. For example, you make a plan to solve the problem that caused you to feel so angry or enraged and then you act on it.
Obviously, as a life coach I strongly recommend any action which aligns with using anger constructively rather than destructively.
I nearly learned this lesson the hard way after putting up with years of pent up frustration and hatred towards certain parties during my school years. In my book I share my own personal story with you about the real costs of using anger in destructive, spiteful ways. I share a very important set of coaching techniques that helps you to avoid acting out in anger. I wrote the book specifically with people like you in mind.
It often happens that you have this thought in the back of your mind that if you walk away from someone who is confronting you, you will look like a coward, or your ego will be bruised. In fact, if you get up the courage to turn around and walk away, there’s a good chance that the person involved in the confrontation may even yell out those very words, or others like them. You know the ones. Coward, loser, or worse. But if you’re the one to walk away, you’re the person showing real strength. You have figured out that this is not the way to settle things and you can walk away with your head held high. The person who is yelling filthy names at you just doesn’t get it and when the dust settles, they’re the one who will look like the loser.
As a life coach, I have one piece of instant help that I can give you if you are struggling with anger. It’s seven little words. It’s simple and to the point and it was first spoken by the ancient Chinese philosopher, Confucius, who said:
"When anger rises, think of the consequences.”
In my opinion, truer words were never spoken or written.
If you feel that your problems go much deeper and you need help, reach out to me here.
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
Contact: David Gillman - The Mindset Mechanic